November 20, 2025
Are you ready for Thanksgiving?
I mean, are you really prepared? A week from today is Thanksgiving, a day that highlights or lowlights all sorts of communication drama. You may have the logistics taken care of, but are you ready? Remember that Turkey Day isn’t really named after “that” relative; however, they can be the focus of much angst. Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks; it is a time to let grace and mercy guide our discussions and topic selection. Our communication at the Thanksgiving Party or the organization we lead is crucial. This makes it especially important for leaders to understand what makes up communication.
Leadership communication goes far beyond the words we speak.
Leadership communication goes far beyond the words we speak. Every day, leaders send and receive countless messages that are layered with tone, emotion, and meaning. In 1975, psychologist Albert Mehrabian’s research revealed that the spoken word is only a fraction of total communication: 7 percent is the words, 38 percent is the tone of voice, and 55 percent is body language, posture, and eye contact. His findings remind leaders that communication is not just about what is said, but also about what is seen, shown, and felt. Whether in the office or at a party, hidden parts of communication can go undetected, leading to damage and words that may exacerbate the situation.
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Charles Duhigg, in Supercommunicators, describes communication as the intentional practice of connection, a skill set built on the four pillars of communication: presence, curiosity, awareness, and reflection. Effective communicators don’t simply talk; they notice, inquire, and adjust. They are mastering the four pillars of communication that connect: being fully present, listening, asking curious questions, pausing before responding, and practicing by staying aware of the clues embedded in every conversation. They must also be keenly aware of what is not said yet communicated nonverbally.
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Any Communication is much like an iceberg; words reveal only the small portion above the surface.
The greater mass of the iceberg is the emotions, intentions, and attitudes that remain hidden below the surface. Misunderstanding can arise when leaders focus only on visible words rather than exploring the unseen factors that influence behavior and responses. To lead with clarity and empathy, a leader must learn to perceive what is above and below the surface of the iceberg.
This Thursday’s Leadership insights focus on unspoken clues in communication, on four roles a leader must assume to be an effective communicator, and on the Thanksgiving day party. Some practical applications will also be shared to communicate effectively at the office and at the Thanksgiving party
Key nonverbal clues include:
Facial expressions: A smile can signal warmth and openness, while a frown may indicate concern or disagreement.
Posture and gestures: Open arms and forward-leaning posture suggest engagement, while crossed arms may signal defensiveness.
Eye contact: Consistent eye contact builds trust and engagement, while avoiding it can signal disinterest or discomfort.
Tone of voice: Pitch, volume, and rhythm can convey emotions such as confidence, anxiety, or sincerity.
Personal space: The distance maintained between people can signal intimacy, respect, or detachment.
Silence: Strategic pauses can prompt reflection, signal authority, or indicate discomfort.
Energy level: High energy may signal excitement; low energy may signal distrust, disinterest, or disengagement.
To effectively navigate the communication journey, a leader must assume four intertwined positions
- The Captain; Know Your Destination
The Captain charts the course and directs communication by first ascertaining the type of communication and adapting to that type for maximum impact.
Charles Duhigg, in his research on Supercommunicators, identifies this as a critical first step: knowing the intent of the conversation. Communication fails not because leaders lack good intentions, but because they misidentify the type of conversation.
Duhigg describes three distinct conversation types that require fundamentally different approaches:
- Practical conversations focus on solving problems, making plans, or figuring things out—”Can you complete this by Friday?” or “What approach should we take?” These use the brain’s prefrontal cortex, the logic center.
- Emotional conversations seek empathy, understanding, and validation,not advice unless explicitly requested. When someone shares frustration, fear, or excitement, they need to feel heard. This conversation type engages the emotional brain, the mid and lower portions, and requires a fundamentally different response.
- Social conversations reflect identity and belonging, asking “How do we see each other and our place in this world?” These conversations build connection and culture.
Leaders who confuse these categories create disconnection. A leader who offers practical solutions during an emotional conversation makes the team member feel unheard. A leader seeking emotional validation in a practical problem-solving session creates frustration. Masterful leaders assess which type of conversation is needed and respond accordingly.
- The Lookout – The lookout scans the horizon, observing signals others might miss. They notice energy shifts in a meeting, hesitation in a colleague’s tone, or enthusiasm in a team’s response. Practice this by tracking what’s not said, attitudes, posture, eye contact, pauses, and asking, “What might this person be thinking or feeling right now?”
- The Detective – Communication clues often lie beneath the surface. The detective listens intently and asks powerful, curious questions to uncover more profound meaning. They confirm, not assume: “I noticed you paused just now, what’s behind that?” or “It sounds like there’s some hesitation, is that right?” This approach aligns with Duhigg’s insight that connection grows from curiosity, not certainty.
- The Dentist – A dentist identifies and fills communication “cavities”, gaps where understanding, feedback, or follow-up are missing. After a conversation, ask, “Did I leave anything unspoken? What might they still be unclear about?” Filling these gaps quickly prevents minor misunderstandings from turning into larger fractures in trust.
Putting It into Practice
To lead like a captain, lookout, detective, and dentist:
- Ask people, “How are you doing?” before asking what they are doing. This is an excellent starter for any communication, especially at the Thanksgiving party.
- Begin meetings with mindful observation, notice the emotional tone in the room.
- Ask one deeper question before providing your input to a response.
- Take a brief pause before responding; silence often reveals clues and also allows a nervous or timid person time to respond.
- End conversations with a “clarity check,” ensuring understanding is complete. An example would be “What have you learned today?” or “Knowing what you know, what do you see as the next step?”
When leaders treat communication as an intentional practice of connection rather than just a transfer of information, they transform relationships, strengthen trust, and elevate their teams’ culture. Words may begin the conversation, but a deliberate practice of picking up a clue through awareness, curiosity, care, and confirmation deepens communication, connection, and relationships.
The Leadership Questions for you then are;
What one practice can you implement this week and /or on Turkey Day?
Do you use the four roles to fit in your leadership communication style?